For some reason, this past weekend, I have seen WAY too much of other people’s coochies…like, being literally, thrown in my face… I figured I’d just write a blog about it…This blog is pretty long, so I wrote it in two parts. Feel free to scroll on or jump to another story!
So I’m at a karaoke bar for my co-worker’s birthday. Mind you, while I lost 17 pounds last month, I sprained my shoulder and my scale broke… My greedy ass started drinking and eating everything I could get my hands on when I got back from LA! Since I wasn’t weighing myself and exercising, 10lbs snuck back up on me! Unfortunately, last summer’s dresses that I was excited to be able to wear again, started to shrink up on my big ass body!… I said all of that to say, that my dress this particular night may have been a little too short due to the “snuggness” and “suffocation” of the fabric trying to stretch around me. However, my over-exposed yams were in NO way, shape, or form an invitation for the fuckery that ensued that night!!
If you’ve read past blogs, you know I live in Philly, the Black Lesbian capital of the United States of America. I would venture to say that about 92% of the black female population is either gay, bi-sexual, or bi-curious. Yeah….so I’m not part of that population…but for some reason, mofo’s seem to think I’m walking ’round this bitch, out the closet, with a floor length, hot pink fur coat on!!!! Damn!! I don’t know what vibe I’m giving off, but the bitches been throwing coochie coupons at me like crazy lately!!!!! Case in point: Karoke night.
…As I’m getting on the elevator, I’m noticing that there are several butch lesbians resembling the rapper Future (like seriously) and their partners headed to the floor that I’m going to. The restaurant has a main karaoke bar and private karaoke rooms towards the back. All of the lesbians were in one of the private rooms in the back doing their thing. There were at least 30 of them! There must’ve been a party or something. Anyway, I’m in the main area seated with my party listening to cornball ass cornballs singing a bunch of songs from the 80’s…like seriously?! It’s a Friday! Why in THE fuck are you singing Hotel California?!!!!!
Me being the entertaining ass person that I am, I buy Beyonce’s Drunk In Love to perform to get tha party started…What did it do that for?!! Damn!…is that song CODE for something…? I mean, I could see if I sung Girls Run the World or some shit…but for whatever reason, EVERY lesbian in that bitch descended to not only the main floor, but my table! Like literally, they were all standing right next to me!….do you fucking know…that in the middle of performing the first chorus…some lipstick lesbian (I know the lingo and shit) sits on my lap…and starts grinding my thigh…and starts giving me a lap dance. Are you fucking kidding me!?!!!!!!
At first, I was shocked. I mean, they literally came out of nowhere!!! I didn’t know what to do. I thought she was caught up in the moment so I let her slide thinking she would get up once she realized I wasn’t part of the crew…but no! When I noticed she was not tryna get off my lap, I tried tapping her…I didn’t want to make a “thing” out of it because I didn’t think it was that serious (and I was with North Philly bitches that only need so much as a frown to get it tha fuck popping. I’m on my classy – don’t get kicked out of anymore restaurants – shit these days)…THEN…I felt her coochie lips split through her spandex pencil skirt, on my right thigh…O.M.G…What kind of fuckery is this!?!!!! THIS BITCH TRIED TO TRIB ME!!!! I tapped her hard as shit till she turned around. I say “Uh, I’m not even kind of gay.” She finally gets up, repeats what I said to her friends, then they all laugh…then one of her butch buddies, AGAIN from the fuck nowhere, and asks if she could rap Jay-Z’s part…those broads had NO CHILL and NO BOUNDARIES that night!!!!!
…I’m tryna figure out; why in the world, did they think it was ok, to randomly sit on my lap and grind on me without knowing my damn sexual preference!!…That was pretty damn bold don’t you think? What would you have done?
The group of girls I was with asked me why I didn’t knock her out, etc…I didn’t think it was that deep…I mean, the bitch had draws on…I could see if she tried to lick my face or something, but I just let that shit go. Soon as I got home, I rubbed my thigh down with alcohol AND make-up remover wipes…I’m not bringing ANYONE’S coochie juices onto my clean sheets…oh no, no, no!!!
Fast forward…STRIPPER TALES
Recounting the karaoke story to a friend while at a strip club for my bday, she says “Well, you do have something about you. Like you could be down for anything.” Huh?… Now I know what you’re thinking, the Strip Club is NOT the place to be for someone claiming they don’t want bitches grinding up on them…but it’s entertainment…I was just there to SEE a show, not be apart of it!
…I’m a novice to this strip club shit…1. I’m frugal as shit, so those chicks were only going to get about $11 out of me point, blank, period. They’re lucky I started driving and need quarters for the meter, cuz those shits would’ve been thrown first…and 2. Soon as I walk in, I let the bouncer know that we’re just there for the show and that we aren’t “into” women “like that”…which was an unnecessary and dumb ass proclamation given that we were at a female strip club, so why go?…why did he send a stripper over to my friend and me, tell her that we were gay, and to give us that extra lesbian treatment…?
This chick came over ferociously clapping her ass to the point that I thought something was about to fall the fuck out of it, started rubbing her titties on me and my friend saying “you like that huh, you like that?” I’m like…”we’re not gay!” She’s like, “the bouncer told me you were and to give you that good lesbian treatment!” We look over at him and he bursts out laughing! I guess I did go to the WRONG place to try and be somebody’s prude! So I tried to loosen up a little…a couple of drinks in…some chick came around for a tip, lifted up her bra and asked me to put the dollar on her nipple…I was totally cool with it…I even started to ask myself OUT LOUD, and my friend, if maybe I AM a little gay…(I’ll tell you about the time I started to put a “missed connections” ad on Craigslist for this stripper that touched my titty – some other time) Maybe I’m just a little gay when it comes to strippers…(I really need to get dicked down soon. Shit’s getting real over here. I’m ’bout to start lurking the hallway trying to bump into the surgeon) Anywho, I was enjoying myself. My friend and I even started making airplanes out of the dollar bills and aiming for crotches and asses! It wasn’t so bad until…
So…there was this odd ass stripper that came on stage right when we were finishing our drinks and preparing to leave. She had on these Steve Urkel glasses – like really – shit was ridiculous – they weren’t the trendy glasses that people wear for fun – these shits were “bi-focal-ic”- like if she took them off, she’d probably walk into a wall…and she had BOTH of her nipples pierced. I gotta give it to her though, she was doing some TRICKS!…While she was bussing it wide open, my friend and I noticed a thick ass bulge in her crotch…almost like a testicle…it was weird! So when she came over for her tip, my friend and I just had to ask her what it was…why did this chick, move her panties to the side, showed us her ginormous clit piercing while stroking it, THEN…THEN…FUCKING THEN…gave us both a hand shake…with the same damn hand after we gave her a compliment on her dancing!!!! I don’t like shaking normal hands because of germs, let alone COOCHIE JUICE COVERED HANDS!!! Argh!!!!!!! How ’bout right afterwards, my half drunk friend goes to rub her eye, followed by me quickly slapping the shit out of her hand from her face and looking at her bug eyed! She was about to get a bumb bump on her eye!! A BUMB BUMP!! That shit was about to be swollen for YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say, after scrubbing my hands in the bathroom, we were ready to roll!!! …and that concluded my birthday celebration.
Welp, those were my Coochie Chronicles for the week. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I DIDN’T…I’m sure I will have more soon…
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Till next time!