I’ve been trying to stay on pace with blogging now that I’m giving sobriety a shot. (Ha! See what I did there?)
So…if you bothered to read my last post, you’d know that I’ve been in a melancholy mood lately. The universe has been getting on my last black nerve! I don’t feel like writing a whole long ass thought provoking post about annoying shit so here’s a quick rundown – from my heart to yours…fuckers.
Gas. A bitch has been SEVERELY constipated for like 3 days! What tha fuckin’ fuck!?! I didn’t know how precious a fart could be until my colon said, “not today bitch!” I blame it on that 4 day boring ass weekend! My side started aching due to my extra-curricular libation activities a week prior. I abstained from booze and then Thanksgiving happened…well the day after Thanksgiving happened…when I was bored as shit. A red cup of mango vodka on Friday, topped with a bottle of wine Saturday…beans for dinner on Sunday and…I was “flatulating”…then all of a sudden, it stopped! My right side was in excruciating pain! All Monday and Tuesday I felt like one big ass balloon tryna pop! I literally tossed and turned all night!…someone suggested I exercise to loosen up the gas…I went to a session with my trainer…he sent me home. Said my constipation was a liability and that I couldn’t come back without medical clearance…I guess he wasn’t tryna have me spontaneously combust and shit…he also yelled at me because my shoelaces weren’t tied tight enough…he wasn’t here for my fuckery this week…I’m still in pain, not as much but now is my lady time. I’m too distracted with trying to survive bleeding for 7 days straight to worry about a little fart!
So, I’ve noticed that when I get focused, I get FOCUSED. So much so that I don’t pay attention to shit else. I’ve been tryna grind it out and get comfortable in my career that I totally got all plus sized and left my “fabulosity” in the closet only to be pulled out on occasion during full moons in favor of a more boring ass corporate appearance. So, while lamenting over being dickless during cuffing season, I had the bright idea to get all of my shit together at once! I was going to lose these pounds, then get my Brazilian hair popping, then get my makeup game back on point – in that order – but fuck it! Who has that kind of time!? So, in an effort to get this shit in gear, I spent a whole day watching YouTube tutorials on contouring. How ’bout a friend of mine loves this drug store makeup, LA Girl, to contour with so I start watching videos on that. I’m hype! I go to every freaking bitch ass drug store and beauty supply store along the way to my trainer’s gym…and can’t find this bitch ass makeup. THEN I come across a beauty supply store still open a few blocks away. I’m hype! It’s 8:25. How ’bout the security guard bitch at the door wouldn’t let me in?! I’m like “it’s 8:25, y’all close at 8:30.” He says “Doesn’t matter. We’re closed.” This is why I fucking hate black businesses and people that hire black people to run their business. The customer services is THE FUCKING WORSE! That bitch could’ve let me in! You know…at that moment…I contemplated running my car through the doors where he was standing…but then I realized I was black and I’d go to jail. I wouldn’t be able to use “frustrated” as a criminal defense. Fucking racism! It’s 2015! When will we have equality!?
Weight loss. So yeah. This shit has been THE STRUGGLE personified. It has never taken me so long to lose weight before. I’ve tried everything. I think I’m literally going to have to smoke crack. That’s my only option. That or do more cardio…and I hate cardio. This shit is really cramping my style. I haven’t been out and about putting the mack down cuz I’m feeling like a big ass baked potato. Sigh…What’s a girl to do!? Shits wack!
After a shitty holiday with my ain’t shit family members, a boring 4 day weekend, the inability to fart, a scale that pretty much says “bitch, I ain’t moving” every time I step on it, and the realization that my vagina is in the process of sealing itself up due to inactivity, I had a slight nervous breakdown on the way from the gym. I literally started pounding my steering wheel, screaming at God, the angels & them, yelling “why am I here? I hate my life!” A bit dramatic but I’m just soooooooooooooooooooo frustrated right now!
I feel so stagnant!!!!! I need a fairy godmother! Argh!!!!!!
Pray for me!