These are MY issues with being a single girl…whether or not you relate…oh well. This is what my single, fabulous, black ass has been dealing with…
1. Everyone wants to have sex with you…everyone except the person you actually want to be with (wherever the hell he might be). SMFH! For some reason, people in committed relationships seem to think that because I am NOT in one, that I’m just over here handing out Coochie Coupons to whoever is feeling frisky. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been approached by men AND women for threesomes and quick trysts. DAMN! Do I have a Scarlett letter “S” on me? “Single” and “Sex” tha fuck? Single means I’m looking for my PLUS ONE, not all of ya’ll PLUS 2 Ninjas!
2. People STAY tryna hook you up with someone…this is not always bad BUT…just because I am single, does NOT mean that I want every dick that swings this way! If you want to look out for ya girl, don’t send any bumb ass bumbs my way. I don’t need your pity and charity! You can keep that man you picked out at the Salvation Army over there with you, cuz I don’t want his ass. Now should you come across a gynecologist (who knows where the G-Spot is) between the ages of 29-34, with no kids, who likes to buy gifts and pays bills for people…send him my way…he doesn’t even need to be cute!! I NEED that! Please and Thank you.
3. You have to do a lot of shit by yourself. Like…EVERYTHING. Every freaking thing!! No days off. No breaks. Carrying grocery bags…Cooking…Cleaning…Driving…PAYING BILLS…and every little nut ass thing in between. I had to ask my best bud (who is a guy) to freaking put my license plate on because my dad forgot to do it!! Not to mention, I don’t get to go half with anyone on anything! I have to pay 100% of ‘errythang, either that or go without it! I was having a convo with a buddy of mine, describing the type of man I want to date. He said, no you don’t need that, you need somebody that’s going to take care of you. I think he’s right!! You know…I drove my brand new car 7,000 miles without getting an oil change because I didn’t feel like having to deal with that shit! SMFH!! Jiffy Lube looked at me like I was crazy!
4. Every time I buy batteries, I feel guilty. Guilty and Dirty…cuz I know what they’re going to be used for. My friend said, well, you don’t have to use batteries, you can do “it” the old fashioned way…Is she serious? Ain’t nobody got time to be getting carpel tunnel tryna buss a nut. That sounds like exercise! I’m so lazy that I’d rather become a lesbian for 5 minutes and have someone else do that bullshit than do it myself. Could you imagine!?! I’d probably have one, really strong, muscular, forearm. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
5. Lesbionic Feelings…Yeah, I’m soooo not any kind of gay…but being Dickless in Seattle sometimes has a girl thinking about exploring other avenues…battery operated devices ain’t got shit on human to human contact! Ohhhh there’s nothing like a sexy man laying on top of you and breathing heavy! Damn!! But when you don’t have that…and it’s not looking like it’s anywhere in site…you start to think. …In Philly, 92% of the women are either gay or bi-sexual. Like literally, they’ll have like 5 kids and be living with some butch lesbian, all in the “life”. When in Rome…do as the Romans do right? Don’t you know, I actually put an ad on Craigslist in the Women seeking Women section once (I was desperate that summer) for a “friend that could turn into more” I got 11 replies – from some very pretty bi-curious ladies…but then, I threw up in my mouth. The thought of possibly swallowing someone’s yeast infection had me all in my feelings…yeah. I am really NOT about that life…but I guess it’s good to know, that should I ever desire a life’s supply of sushi, I’d have tons of tuna to choose from.
6. Couples. Yeah, fuck couples. I’ve had coupled up friends not invite me to shit because everyone would be coupled up and I wouldn’t really “fit in”. My co-worker was telling me about this movie she had just seen. I’m like “What movie?”, she’s like “the Notebook. It was such a great movie. You probably wouldn’t really get into it because you’re not married, but it was beautiful.” Damn Bitch!!!!! So I guess I can only realate to movies like “To Wong Foo” because I wear wigs and shit!!!?? Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that I am incapable of love and comprehending love. Geeze!! Muthafuckers! Yeah, I hate couples!
7. People think something is wrong with you. Yeah, nothing is wrong with me…First of all, everyone in a relationship is NOT happy. Let’s make that clear!! If anything, my single ass has less drama than you. You have a WHOLE ‘NOTHER individual mixed up in yo’ shit that you have to deal with. Everything that they do, affects YOU and vice versa. I may be on this single lonely island, but it’s just me. I do what I want over here. You have to take another persons feelings into consideration every time you make a move. I’ve seen people in awful relationships and wondered what the hell was wrong with THEM. Don’t shade me because I haven’t located Where’s Waldo. It just isn’t my time yet. Sheesh!
8. Loneliness. Hate to admit it but, I get lonely. Do you know how many conversations I have with myself in my apartment?! Like seriously! My neighbors prolly think I have a WHOLE party going on in here. SMH. My nickname should be “Sybil”. Someone suggested I get a pet…or a prostitute…I just bought a bottle of wine…
9. Assholes…these are men that somehow keep wasting my time with their bullshit and fuckery. Here’s the thing, just because some bitch liked you, doesn’t mean that you are a likable person. Being yourself is cool, but don’t try to treat me like shit because the last broad put up with it. ACT like you want to keep me around. Damn! TRY to impress me!! For some reason, I keep meeting a bunch of jerks. Like, really? Do you think I’m just dating you for shits and giggles sir? Mofo’s go out of their way to turn me into a crazy bitch. They stay campaigning and I keep electing that ass…
10. Getting in your own way…I’m not going to shade the hell out of everyone else without shading myself. Yes. We single chicks sometimes get into our OWN way. My last post, I mentioned just now learning how to deal with a man that has pissed me off in a “non-sociopathic” manner. I’ve grown…and I’m growing… Not gonna lie or front, there have been a couple of men that I’ve dated that would absolutely describe me as crazy…and I am…when you make me that way. (I sound like an abuser, right? Ha!) I can’t tell you the number of drunk texts that I’ve sent…oh…and I can curse REALLY well, especially for someone from the suburbs…oh and I can get loud like a rachet-banshee…I can be extremely disrespectful…there’s like a good 5 restaurants in Philly that I’m not allowed to go into…I can think of a few men that would have a straight up panic attack if they saw me walk into a room…like straight up clutching their chest, gasping for air…but it’s that Leo in me. SMH. But yeah…there have been times when I was the one who screwed it up!!! Every time I have to pay my damn rent, I say to myself “If you weren’t such a bitch in college, you wouldn’t even have to be doing this bullshit right now, you’d be on some beach in Greece spending someone else’s money!” (I’ve come across some pretty wealthy men that I gave my ENTIRE ass to kiss) Sigh…if I knew then, what I know now – I would’ve taken a little time to get the hell over myself…Sometimes it’s not about FINDING the one, but learning what you need to do and NOT do to BECOME the one…
And on that note – I’m tired of writing…I’ve been invited to a couple of happy hours so I need to choose one. See this is the shit I’m talking about…then my fat ass is going to be writing about how I’m so sad I’ve gained all this weight. SMH…you know, I tried online dating earlier this summer but all those Negroes kept asking for full body pictures. Being as though the pic I put up was a head shot and 20lbs ago, I just figured I’d stick to making connections in person!! Bahhhh! Perfect example of getting in my own way… Instead of dieting to have more (man) options, I’m over here eating and drankin’ settling for pulling chubby chasers. Damn! Damn!! DAMN!!!
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Till next time