Well, August has been a busy and distracting month for me! I’ve been trying to make moves, catching up with friends, getting felt up by lesbians, yada yada yada….
Anywho, I’m back to blogging. A lot of “blog worthy” things have happened but since I’m late, I’ll just put a few things in this random post!
I recently got groped…I don’t know if I was more upset that I was “sneak” groped – or embarrassed that I had big ass granny panties on while it was being done. Damn damn damn!!! Why must I be afraid to wear draws that don’t come in a 5 pack from Target!? I’m just so paranoid thinking that some nasty girl with a sweaty vagina is going try the underwear on first – then I buy that pair and all of sudden my private parts are inflamed. Maybe I should order panties out of catalogs…smh.
…A friend of mine asked if I could give her a ride to her ex-boyfriend’s house so she could say goodbye to him before she moved out of state…then she tells me that she was a little worried about staying over night because he has bed bugs…BED BUGS!!…You know – my hope is that, I too, come across some dick so good that I’m willing to have my coochie, arms, legs and ass bit the hell up all through out the night, just to get some good lovin’. **crosses fingers** Needless to say, when I picked her up to take her to the airport, she was greeted by a big ass plastic garbage bag draped over my passenger seat. Fuck that! I was NOT about to be a victim of good dick gone wrong…all she could do was laugh!
**WARNING – THIS IS GROSS** So, I had a very interesting conversation about anal sex with a few ladies over the weekend. I don’t feel like being an open book today, so I’ll leave myself out of it…but one of the most interesting comments made during the conversation was the act of accidentally “shitting on the dick” to which one older woman said – “I always shit on the dick. It’s [anal sex] a great diuretic too. My guts bubble up right afterwards and it just all comes out.” Oh really…So I ask, “well why do you keep shitting on the dick? Stop eating heavy meals!!?!! You can’t eat pot roast, potatoes and shit, then go painting somebody’s sheets like Picasso!!!!” She says, “well, it’s not like that. I give him my washcloth and afterwards, I see skidmarks all over it.” SHAMFUCKINGWOW. While everyone bursts out into laughter, I quiet the table to ask her a question that had been plaguing me – “Why do you only have one washcloth!?! Why can’t they have their own washcloth!?!!” I’m the world’s biggest dirtball and even I have a washcloth for guests!! She said something about just letting him use the old wash cloth and then getting a new one when he’s done, blah blah blah!!! Which brings me to another question: You ever notice that black folk love the shit out of some crusty ass washcloths?! Shit be hanging off the bathroom bar stiff as shit with the ass waste and coochie juice of a 1000 washes!! Shit be struggling to walk out the bathroom by itself!!! Black people and their wash cloth fuckery! I wash my ass like the white people!! With some good ole’ soap, lather, and water. Black people be bathing like they still gotta wash up in the Nile river.
…So I briefly reconnected with the surgeon. It was all love, till he told me he was seeing a couple of people…I brushed that shit off, that was, until he turned around and asked me to give him a ride to the airport. Nigga what?!! I’m like “well what do I get?” he’s like – “you get to spend time with me in the car”…Mind you, he is the personification of an asshole! Long story short (cuz I don’t even want to devote any more letters to this bitch) I pretty much said – [“you’re up there wining and dining bitches, get one of them to take you. Don’t come around here when you need favors! “] To which he pretty much said, [“Fuck your feelings, I’m still going to be seeing extra bitches, you going to take me or what?”]…I told him that I hated him and to never contact me again…and that was that. SMH. ARGH!!!!! Lesson learned. Message received. If I gotta jump through hoops just to be with a man, he’s not worth my time and attention. As with anything in life, if a person wants to be with me, they should be willing to earn me!! Silly me to think that somehow things would be different this time. I thought he might’ve liked me enough to modify his past behavior towards me…I knew better. Next time, I’m going to act like it…
…Speaking of working hard to get next to me…I recently got “cat-fished” by a creep. SMH. Creating a whole fictional situation just to get to know me…not cool. While normally I’d be flattered and impressed with this type of creativity, he wasted my time with his fuckery of a farce! Like, REALLY took the wind out of my sails with the bullshit. SMH! There are better ways to get close to me – namely buying me shit and paying for booze. Lying is the WORST way to get on my good side. Remember, once you get caught up in a lie, everything you’ve ever said or done will come into question. I hate liars and duplicitous, manipulative people…and might I add, I’m not as naive as I seem to be…I’m just genuine, so I don’t have a bunch of smoke and mirrors floating around me…doesn’t mean that I can’t see through your shit though…
Oh yeah – that reminds me! What’s with black men and their shit?!!! Lawd, these chicks of other races got them thinking they are the bee’s knees!!! I had someone say to me, something like – “I have a 401K, I can cook, I’m ambitious, what are you bringing to the table?”…I can give birth. Can you do that?! I’ve also had men throw their degrees in my face like I was supposed to be impressed. Ha!! You gone’ have to do better than that boo! I have a degree, my parents have degrees and they spoil me. I am also very talented and work my ass off – the sky is the limit for ME – so you gone’ have to miss me thinking I’m about to do a rain dance because you finally made it to “average white man” status in life. I’m not some Philly hoodbooger jawn impressed with the fact that you can buy Jordans and fishbowls cocktails at the local hood bar. SMH. This was a sparked from a convo that I had with a male friend about how black women are “difficult to date”. We aren’t difficult, we just need you to DO better! You come around here with a half ass attempt to woo me, you get HALF my ass to kiss. Maybe if you all started acting like we were interviewing YOU and not vice versa, you just might get the job.
Enough about assholes though…
Welp, that’s about it for me! I’ll try to be more consistent. I’m working on a few projects based off of this blog, so hopefully those will come to fruition sometime this October.
Till Next time