Today sucks. I’m not really feeling this 4 day weekend bullshit…maybe if I had a family or a spouse…but I don’t so I’m just sitting here, waiting to go back to work for human contact.
I try to make it a point to restrict my sobbing to only twice a year. Crying, to me, is a sign of weakness…control your emotions, don’t let your emotions control you…but today…I cried…like a little punk.
I hate having so much time to myself. It can get so lonely.
My Thanksgiving pretty much consisted of my grandmother calling me ugly and my aunt’s kids that I hate, reveling in my ain’t shit grandmother’s shady comment. She likes to pick on my because my family, namely my mother, is in Ohio so I guess to her that makes me seem like an easy mark. Honestly, I think her miserable ass is jealous of me. I’m who she could’ve been if she didn’t get mixed up with my grandfather…
…But that’s not why I’m sad, just adds to my melancholy mood. Sucks that on a day I’m supposed to be enjoying family, half of them are sitting in a room with me, hanging on to my every word so their insecure, jealous, miserable asses can have something to pick with me about.
Even surrounded by family, I’m alone.
I’m trying to remain patient and “pray” about it but it’s difficult when you see everyone around you in relationships, having children, and moving on with their lives.
Everything in due time right?…but when is it going to be MY time? I’ll be 32 in August and I have never even been in love before…
Maybe I’ll never find love. Maybe just fame and fortune or immense success. Maybe that will be my compensation for not being a mother or a wife.
If that’s the case, shit needs to happen quickly. I am starting to question the reason for my existence.
Why the fuck am I even here? There’s gotta be more to life than just going to work everyday.