I was going to write a long ass post…but I don’t feel like it today. I just have a few random thoughts…
…Had a morning meeting with my boss today. Somehow we started talking about life and my last company (mostly Korean) He says “you know, I don’t really trust Asians. It’s like they’ll stab you in the back.” Me: (dead ass) “Yeah, that’s how I feel about white people.” He looks stunned and then starts to laugh and says “well do you feel that way about me?” (I have rent to pay) Me: “No, but MOST white people.” He says, “well, oh ok. I understand.”
…Don’t feel sorry for him though. This is the same person that called me Kunta Kinte when I wore a leopard print scarf to work…told me to throw on my “Queen Latifah clothes” to attend an event the company was having…and asked me if I go on Blackpeoplemeet.com and if I would consider lap band surgery after learning that I broke it off with the Surgeon I was dating (yeah, I had to throw that in there. Chubby or not, I still got it). I’m not even that fucking fat!
…In church this Sunday, the Pastor said that Masturbation is a sin…does he know the many lives that masturbating saves?! I mean DOES HE!!?!!! Uh…I don’t know about you, but if I had to wait for a man that I deemed worthy enough to lay on top of me and breath heavy – just to buss a nut – I’d be a psychopathic! Just saying, what’s more sinful…? Ain’t nothing wrong with a little self loving! If so, why me so horny?!
…I’m down 10lbs and counting! Yeah boi! I said to myself, I can’t be single, turning 30, looking for a new job AND FAT. I gotta pick a struggle! The only thing in my control is my weight. 10lbs in 9 days! 1000 calorie diet, swimming 6 days a week and no carbs, got me on that Kanye West Workout plan!
…I think I’m going to move to D.C. I’ve been looking at NYC, D.C. and ATL. NYC is too damn expensive (I’d have to make $40K MORE than I’m making right now to maintain my current lifestyle of lobster, champagne, and diet pills – I’m such a glutton!) Finding a straight man in ATL would be like tryna find a four leaf clover (ain’t nobody got time for that!) I think D.C. would be just right…I’ve already gotten a couple of calls from recruiters so I’m hopeful. Philly is PLAYED OUT! It was all love when I moved here from Cleveland for college, but 10 years in, this scene, along with my ovaries, ARE GETTING OLD!
…Clutch your pearls and get ready – It’s about to be LEO season!! Behold, the greatest sign of the zodiac!! WE woke up like this, NOT Beyonce. Her team studies our playbook. That whole song “Bow Down” yeah… that’s our everyday life. Even better news, Jupiter is supposed to moving into some moon, blah, blah, blah…long story short: Astrologers are saying that this is about to be Leo’s Golden Era. I AM HERE FOR THAT SHIT! Lawd knows I’ve felt like there’s been a foot on my neck for a minute! Read more about that here: Leo Outlook
…I need to write a followup to my “Sexy Sex” blog post with a “how to” SMH. My friend told me that her date tried to stick his finger up her butt. I told her to just embrace it…she said she tried but it was awkward. How ’bout this idiot tried to put his thumb up her butt while he was hitting it from the back!?! Where tha’ fuck do they do that at!?!! Was he serious! There’s levels to this shit! You just can’t randomly stick shit up people’s asses because y’all are naked…smh at all of these sexually active people that don’t know how to have some good “Sexy Sex”.
…Is it me, or do gay white men have big black woman envy? I just came to this realization while discussing catty queens with a co-worker. I know I’m not the only one who has thought that!
Welp, those are all of my random thoughts for now…