So, I’ve been interviewing for the past couple of weeks. I hate interviews! SMH!! As a black professional, I find interviewing to be so stressful!! I feel so much damn pressure to be Olivia Pope and Claire Huxtable but then I get feedback from the recruiter like- “they said that you didn’t have enough personality.” To which I replied to one recruiter in anger – “Well what did they expect?! Was I supposed to twerk for them!?!!” *He hasn’t answered any of my emails since then…
Being black and personable without being too casual and seeming under-qualified is something that I struggle with. …tell me you did not love me when you thought that I was the white person that my racially ambiguous name lead you to believe I was, and I will leave you alone… (You gotta read that with the Prince Akeem of Zumunda voice) Anyway! Enough of my rant! The rent must be paid and thus #thestruggle continues… Here are answers to a few questions that my “personable” ass wishes I could reply with..
1. What made you apply for this position?
- You were hiring…and I heard y’all pay people.”
2. What do you know about the company?
- “You mean other than what’s on the freakin’ website!?!”
3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
- “With your job. Job-check nigga!”
4. What are some of your strengths?
- “One of my strengths would be that I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. This will be very helpful when tough decisions need to be made regarding dealing with sensitive ass people that don’t realize that how they ‘feel’ doesn’t have shit to do with the company’s bottom line.”
5. What are some of your weaknesses?
- “I’m TiffMoney. I have no weaknesses. I’m a muthafuckin’ UNICORN!
6. Describe a difficult work situation and how you overcame it.
- “Well, there’s this one bitch at my current job that acts like she can’t speak when I say “Good Morning”. So I overcame the urge to slap the shit out of her by simply ignoring that bitch. I’m very proud of myself.”
7. Why are you leaving or have left your job?
- “Cuz these nigga’s is crazy…and they fucking with my money.”
8. How did you hear about this position?
- “A Pigeon flew in my window with a note attached to it saying ya’ll were hiring. As soon as I read it, I put on a suit, hopped on my pet dragon and we flew up here for an interview. Nice to meet you.”
9. Why do you want this job?
- “Cuz a nigga gotta eat!!!”
10. Tell me about yourself.
- “I like to get drunk. I’m fuckless in Seattle and I could stand to lose a few pounds…”
11. Why should we hire you?
- “Cuz I didn’t get my 40 acres and a mule so this shit just gon’ have to do.”
12. What do you like to do outside of work?
- “Drink wine and eat.” (I actually said this last week – then patted my stomach and said I need to exercise too. Fuck it!)
13. How much were you making in your last position?
- “Why? Tha fuck that gotta do with you!? Pay me what the job pays, not what these other niggas were paying me. That’s why I’m sitting here with you right now!”
14. What are your immediate goals?
- “To lose weight, get laid and buy Virgin Remi Brazilian hair.”
15. Do you have any questions for me?
- “Yes. Are you going to hire me? When do I start? How much are you paying me? How quickly can I be promoted? Do you have vision insurance? Are there any single sexy black men working here? Do you know any black male doctors that will give me a free mammogram…at my house…naked…with their dick swangin’…?”
Welp! Those are the answers I wish I could give employers!! How about you? What are your Q&A’s? Hopefully, get hired somewhere soon! Argh!!!!!!! I’m ’bout to just fill out an application to be a ‘kept’ woman. This ‘paying bills’ bullshit is for the birds!!
Till next time,